I don’t know how to write about this

EDIT: This was originally posted 31 August 2014, but because of the dark tone of the post, I’ve decided to move it back in the archive. I deeply appreciate all the support and kind words.

Hi you guys. I’m sorry I haven’t got a new SFK5 scene for you yet. You may have been wondering about my latest absence, and this time it wasn’t one of those “Aaaagh! Too many responsibilities! Some people said mean things to me on the internet! Need to hide forever!” kinds of things. I wish that’s all it was.

Someone I love very, very much, is gone. She was always depressed, but I lost more and more, the ability to make her laugh, or to put a smile on her face. I’ve been worried about her almost constantly for the past year, but I’ve done an okay job of keeping up with work. While everything was getting better for me, a lot of things were getting worse for her, and recently, everything she’d been working toward in her life basically collapsed. She’s been in a lot of pain, I didn’t even know how much until recently, and she couldn’t see any way forward anymore, and decided that the only solution was suicide.

I tried my best to get her help, to change her mind, to help her… somehow. I wish I had been able to try someone else’s best, someone who would have succeeded, but the only “best” I have is my own. Um… since I don’t talk very much about other people in my life, you might worry that it’s my dear friend November I’m talking about, but it’s not. Novie’s fine. I think a long time ago she was at that same dark precipice, just like I was long ago too (just like a lot of us have been at times), and resolutely stepped back from it.

If you guys know two things about me, it’s 1. that making people happy is very important to me, and 2. that I pretty much feel guilty at the drop of a hat. So, of course I totally blame myself for failing to do the thing that’s most important to me, for one of the people who is most important to me, with the most catastrophic of consequences… even though I know, intellectually, that maybe it’s not strictly my fault that it came to this.

In any case, I seem to have lost the ability to any activity besides the following:

  1. Cry.
  2. Mope.
  3. Sleep.
  4. Eat junk food.
  5. Go far too long without showering, cleaning the house, or feeding the cats.
  6. Watch videos or read, to distract myself and get into anyone else’s thoughts but my own.
  7. Do anything remotely productive for about five minutes a day before I lose all patience with it and yell at whatever it is in frustration.
  8. Rage, about anything (this is especially scary and disconcerting because I’m normally the most calm, and least temperamental person you’ve ever heard of).
  9. Randomly burst into sobbing during literally any activity.
  10. Acknowledge that I’m a wreck, and go back to one of the above.

And that’s it. That’s my repertoire right now. My work… I think you guys will agree, my work is cute, light-hearted, and sexy. Those three feelings are about as far as possible from anything I’m even capable of feeling right now. I’m not a “tortured artist” (I mean, I am tortured right now, but my level of emotional torment is inversely proportional to my productivity). At the same time, it’s becoming more and more clear to me how much time has been passing without me releasing something new, so… on top of this great weight of grief, I also have that hanging over my head. That’s especially true when it comes to my Patrons on Patreon, who have given me money to “support my work” despite me being utterly incapable of working at this moment.

I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry to everyone. I have utterly failed at the most important and special things in my life.

I will get better. I don’t know when, but I know I will, eventually. Deep inside me, I’ll always have this little core of optimism and hope that the future will be brighter than today. I wish I could put that light into other people’s lives.

into the light

I can’t…

And now my precious gloom kitten is gone. We were dating for about two and a half years, which is longer than I was ever with anyone. She imparted to me the bravery to get piercings (she held my hand when I got my lip pierced), and of course to have really interesting hair, like I’d wanted for a long time. She even did my hair for me – I only learned how to do it myself a few months ago. She was really into music, all kinds of music, and I got to listen to a lot of new music because of her. Despite being chronically gloomy and angry and sad, she was also really cool, and profoundly interesting, and sexy, and had nice tattoos – my favorite was a black cat on her ankle with a tail that went all the way around before a curl just in front… She was really smart too, she built my computer for me – the one I raised money for with the release of The Girl Prince – and she knew four languages, a feat I wish I could accomplish. All that, and she hated herself. She had a very unlucky life, and things never seemed to go right, and she blamed it all on herself. I wish she got to see what I saw of her, someone imperfectly perfect…

I wrote her an elegy. I’m not a very good poet, but I had words weighing on my heart that needed to come out:

The night sky has lost
its darkest Black Hole.
Though few ever saw,
or drew near enough
to feel the effects
of the destructive
pull of this Dark Star,
I will forever
feel the lingering
loss of my midnight,
of my pale blue hour,
my grey twilit dawn.
Every drop of rain
is a tear on soil
where my thorny rose
closed her velvet bloom.
Black cat of bad luck,
curl up in the dark,
sleep and rest, kitten.