1000 Comments?!

There have been 1000 comments on my site, wow! A thousand comments since I revamped my old website into a blog, so you guys could get in touch with me more easily, and get to know me, and ask me questions. Important, insightful questions like, “Galaxy, where are you?” or “When is that product I already paid for coming out?” >_<

I feel happy, grateful, guilty, and sad all at the same time. But then, that’s kind of me…

First, the GalaxyPink news!

  • Sexual Fantasy Kingdom volume 1: Galaxy Edition is still in progress and I’m obviously terrible at estimating release dates so I’m going to keep it in the “coming soon” category. I’m working on it.
  • Since it’s been taking so long, I’m not going to charge anything extra when it comes out – so the PRE-ORDERS will be about $4.00 off the final retail price – you pay $8.99 and that’s it. I thought I’d have to charge for it, for the sake of my billing company, but I’ve learned that it’s totally cool to do it this way instead, so that’s what I’m doing.
  • Same for SFK5, if you PRE-ORDER SFK5, the cost is just $8.99, and no extra charge when it comes out at $12.99.
  • I’ve learned my lesson, and I’m not going to offer Pre-Orders on any future products. I can’t stand making you guys wait after you’ve paid for something, so no matter how badly I need the money I’m only going to actually charge money for products that are complete and ready to sell. The existing Pre-Orders will still be available until those are done, but after that, no more.
  • Thanks to the sales and Pre-Orders in February and March, I paid my taxes! Thank you guys so much!
  • I’ve committed to another vampire project in October, and I think it’s going to be really cool! It won’t be a Sexual Fantasy Kingdom related project at all, so that’s kind of an interesting prospect!

I think that was everything business-related. Except for this: I kind of suck at running a business. I know. I’m both surprised and grateful that you guys keep coming back. Here’s a sort of warm and soft picture for you:

Galaxy Pink

Oh Galaxy, you’re so warm and soft. I just want to rub your shoulders and hug you from behind and watch you work and not judge you for staring at cocks all day.

I made this picture because I feel weird making a post without a picture, and I made it a 1080p HD wallpaper to make it seem like a big deal, like I’m giving you something, since I’m not actually making the announcement that you want to hear, which would be the completion of SFK1:Galaxy Edition.

I do have other news. Jessica news. Remember when I was all like, “OMG you guys, depression is the worst!”, and then later I was like, “OMG you guys, I’m happy and productive, depression over forever!” and then you didn’t hear from me until now?

(You can skip down to the TL;DR version if you want)

Well, apparently depression doesn’t work that way. The worst part is the complete senselessness – I can look at my life and be aware that it’s great and I should be happy, and then I feel stupid for having no reason for feeling sad, and I feel guilty for getting my hopes up and other people’s hopes up, and then descending back into the pit. And then the guilt makes it hard to do anything, which makes me feel guilty too, so it’s this spiral.

I don’t usually tell people this, but… I feel guilty pretty much every minute I spend not working. For five and a half years now, that’s been a big part of my emotional state. My friends drag me out of the house and I think, “I’m using energy right now, I should be using this energy to work”. Someone shows me a funny video on the internet and I think, “If I’m going to spend time at the computer I should be working”. Then when I can’t summon up the energy to work, I think that I’m this lazy worthless failure who never does anything but waste her time… which is not exactly the best way to motivate myself. Then people start asking me if I’m okay, as some of you have done lately, as you should, and it’s like, “HERE’S THAT CRUSHING RESPONSIBILITY YOU WERE HIDING FROM”, “PEOPLE CARE ABOUT YOU AND HAVE EXPECTATIONS OF YOU AND YOU’RE DISAPPOINTING THEM BY BEING SELFISH”… so after feeling paralyzed by feelings of guilt and worthlessness for a little while longer, I start clawing my way back up – which I’m doing now.

(That’s not to say that I don’t deeply appreciate you guys caring about me, and wishing me well and stuff, because I really do! A kind word from a fan or a stranger is always going to be a step up, in that climb)

But that’s how it has always been for me, to fall into a pit of feeling sad and hopeless, and feeling guilty for feeling so sad and hopeless, and for disappointing everyone – and then to climb higher and higher until I rise up out of the pit like a phoenix full of Red Bull, feeling like this time I’ve got everything figured out and I’ll never let myself fall again… and then burning up and falling away – and feeling even more guilty and stupid and worthless for “letting myself” lose my chance at happiness again. But depression doesn’t exactly work like that either.

So, after some more searching and self-pitying introspection, I discovered that I actually have Bipolar II Disorder (the kinder, gentler Bipolar type who never throws things). Bipolar is a weird thing, because putting it really simply, it means, “I feel sad sometimes, and I feel happy other times.” which is the most ridiculous thing to say! I feel like I’m just dramatizing the human condition. I feel like I’m being lazy and indulgent to make excuses for having feelings. But really it’s more accurate to say, “I feel cripplingly, hopelessly sad sometimes for no reason, and I feel invincibly, over-ambitiously happy at other times for no reason, and I can’t intentionally dispel the sadness, or invoke the happiness.” And I’m usually in one state or the other for a couple of weeks, or maybe a couple of months.

The weeks and months that I’m happy are when I get almost all of my work done, and usually it’s been preceded by this sad unproductive period, so when I’m finally working again I must make everything perfect to justify the wait… The problem has always been that when I feel happy, I’m seduced by the vain belief that I’ll never be sad again – and I make all my biggest, boldest plans in that mindset, that “I can achieve anything, because I will always be this motivated”. Now… I wouldn’t have started this business, or done a lot of other things in life that I’m proud of, if I hadn’t experienced those periods of unassailable boldness. But being unrealistic is never useful for very long, and a lot of times it leaves me feeling bad, like I’m a huge disappointment, like I can’t live up to my own hype (even though sometimes I have).

I never realized until writing this now, just how much guilt I feel about everything… like, I’m just a big ol’ guilt machine. People who know me in person think I’m funny and shameless and vain, because I’m so good at hiding how I feel, usually under joking around and acting cocky, that I seem detached, like I don’t care at all, about anyone or anything but myself – which is not true. I kind of wish it was true… being shameless seems very convenient right now. I’m so good at hiding how I feel that sometimes, I’m only pretending I feel better, so that people will stop asking me if I’m okay, either because they won’t understand and that gets tiring after a while, or because I feel like I don’t deserve to have people care about me. Sometimes both.

Oh, I’ve learned that Bipolar is the artist’s disease, and I’m sharing it with Vincent van Gogh, Jackson Pollock, Ernest Hemingway, Edgar Allen Poe, Nina Simone, and Beethoven, among many others. I know that some of them have gone through exactly what I go through, and I know that some of them had it way worse than me – and I’m very grateful to be better off. Apparently there’s this big correlation between Bipolar and creativity.

The good news?

1. I’m better off now than I was a few months ago when I first started being really honest (with you, and myself) about my depression, I’ve gotten better at managing the lows. 2. No matter how badly I neglect my business, apparently my work is good enough to keep generating enough sales that I can barely make ends meet, to get through the bad times. 3. I have enough projects either in the works or planned, to keep me employed for at least another year or two and I always have more ideas – this kind of job security is such a precious thing. 4. I can feel my emotional cycles change so I can kind of prepare, and I know a positive phase is starting – which should last me at least a few weeks and hopefully a few months, and…

5. I feel strangely empowered by knowing that I’m Bipolar. I feel like, if I know, I can plan for it. I can make sure to work harder when I have the energy, because I’ll know it won’t last. I can make sure not to plan quite so ambitiously, because I’ll be more realistic about what I’m capable of. And I won’t be paralyzed by that guilt every time I fall, because I’ll know that’s just what happens to me, and everything will be okay. I’ll be secure in the knowledge that the pendulum swings both ways.

That’s two whole paragraphs of good news, you guys. Five things! I feel good about this. I just hope you’ll keep forgiving me, and being patient with me. I don’t know why some of you think I deserve that, but I’m very grateful that you do.

TL;DR version: I was wrong about the Depression, I actually have Bipolar II Disorder – which pretty much governs my productivity. But, I can feel myself headed into an upswing, so the next post will probably be super cheerful (and let’s hope it’ll be the news you’ve been waiting for). Other than that, this was a lot of being honest, and talking about my feelings. Blech! Who wants to read that?

UPDATE: Awwwwww! You guys! I should never hide and be miserable, because so many of you are always here for me when I’m feeling down (as long as I am actually here posting new messages). I love you all, and whenever I’m able, I will always do my best for you!